Gratitude Practice 2020 Day 133: The Systematic Breaking Open of 2020
I’ve written and rewritten this post several times over the last few days and I still can’t get it right. Just so many unprecedented feelings for such an unprecedented time. This week seems like we reached a new breaking point as a nation and as a city and like many, my heart is heavy and my head continues to hurt. I can't help but think about the wise words of Leonard Cohen: “There is a crack, a crack in everything...That’s how the light gets in.” So many cracks and so many big juicy important feelings spilling out all over everywhere. So much grief. So much pain. So much worry and resentment and anger. So many macro and micro aggressions. So many hurts and insults and slights. So much oppression. So much distrust. So many unmet needs. So many unheard and invalidated stories. So much inequality. So much injustice. So much racism. So much privilege. And everyone is living on the edge as we come out of three months of quarantine. In my ever so humble experience, all of the best kind of growth coincides with a determined and devastating breaking of the known. For reasons I may never understand, it appears the human soul must break wide open every now and again so everything buried by shame, patriarchy oppression and the institutional structures of inequality can be exposed, examined, unpacked, and understood. There is nothing easy about this breaking open business and it appears our country is systematically breaking open all at the same time at a whole new rate and speed.
I started this silly daily writing and gratitude practice 133 days ago in a targeted attempt to combat an ongoing battle with situational depression. The last few months of 2019 were dark and exhausting and complicated and everyday I was swimming through some very murky water requiring all the scuba gear I could get my hands on. There is a growing body of evidence supporting the power of a daily gratitude practice and it's proven to be a very steadying and helpful intervention for me for years. Who would have thought that 133 days ago my once valid challenges would be swiftly replaced by the ever growing concerns of a global pandemic, an earthquake (surprise!), three months and counting of quarantine, social distancing and moderate isolation, the devastating effects of a tanked economy. And in this cracking the consistent violence and acts of racisms within our country just can’t hide. And this week the hope for peaceful demonstrations turned into outright rebellion leaving both our hearts and now our cities on fire and exposed. Two big realities continue to surface for me...we are cracking, we are tearing, and we are breaking in concentrated ways and at rapid speed and all at once and everyday I swim in my very own puddle of white privilege. Hard. Just so hard. All of this hard. None of it easy or pleasant or comfortable. With each passing day and every news article and press conference it's become ever challenging to tread water and I'm a highly educated middle class employed home owning healthy straight white woman. This is sad and I’m heartbroken and I don’t have half of the challenges and concerns of so many men and women and children in our country. I’m sad. This is hard. And I am sad.
Today and this weekend, I am grateful for my developing critical awareness of white privilege and desperate to better understand how I can use my unavoidable and undeserving privilege to help and not harm others.
Grateful for the ability to learn and unlearn how racial inequality and racism exist both in our world, nation, community and most importantly inside me. You can't be raised inside a society built on structures of racism and selective oppression and not have it in your DNA and framework.
Grateful for the ability to change, learn and improve how and where and when my bias and privilege are at play and determined to learn more so I can do more good and cause less harm and hurt.
Grateful for the kindness of others...black, white, brown...those both similar and different from me whom I have most surely offended, discriminated against and treated poorly both intentionally and unintentionally. It is not your duty or responsibility to educate or teach me...that is on me...that is my work to do.
Grateful for the growing collection of thought leaders, writers, teachers, mentors and activists that I am following on social media and reading their published work. Now is my time to learn, to unlearn and to listen.
Grateful to diversify my news feed and social media threads so I can begin to see the world and hopefully my tiny place in it, from a different and more holistic perspective.
Grateful for the leaders of our community...those elected, those appointed and those identified leaders within independent groups. Please know that I am grateful for your courage in the face of danger and encourage you to keep leading and fighting and pushing forward...we need all of you.
Grateful for the conversation we had with our little one today about skin color and racism. She is bright and curious and full of questions. The key is open, clear and honest conversations about hard topics where there are lots of strings attached. May we all help the next generation be better and communicate more clearly our wants, needs, hope and dreams.
Grateful to know that people are difficult to hate close up.
Grateful to be broken open by all of this and hoping that if anything...light and enlightenment will not only flood our heart and mind but it will heal our hearts and souls.